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A Fresh Look at tears and tantrums
Most of us have been trained as parents to see tears and
meltdowns as the enemy. But in fact tears and tantrums signify
the release of all the pent-up emotions that keep our children
(and us) from being our happiest, most optimistic selves. My
friend Kay sent me a story that illustrates this beautifully,
about her daughter Aliza.
"I was returning home with Aliza after a lovely walk [she is
eight years old]. It was around
6:45 on Saturday evening, and we were just about to head up the
hill towards our house when Aliza suddenly remembered that two
weeks earlier, we had mentioned that she and her friend Nancy
might have a sleep-over this weekend. We were two doors down
from
Nancy's house. Now, we had seen
Nancy
that morning at a soccer game, and no one had remembered the
plan, so I doubted it would work. The idea of stopping in to
someonešs house at that hour of the evening seemed foolish,
especially with a kid like Aliza who is likely to completely
melt down in tears if things don't go as she wants. My instincts
were all shouting 'No!' But I couldnšt call up any good reason
not to try, and just capriciously saying no because I wanted to
avoid a scene didn't feel right either. I tried to set up all
the emotional preparations, warning Aliza that since we had all
been together that morning and no one had talked about it, it
was unlikely to work out.
Spontaneous ideas, I said, often don't succeed if they depend on
someone else's schedule. We knocked on the door and sure enough,
Nina had plans to go out with her Dad in just a few minutes.
Aliza collapsed. Tears, agony, fist waving, frustration. 'Why,
why, why?!'
Nancy's
mother felt terrible, as if somehow she were part of this
disaster. Nancy came down and offered to play for the few
minutes she had before she had to go, but Aliza was too
distraught, and didn't want Nancy to 'see me in such a mess.š In
the end, they had a few minutes together, sharing a popsicle,
and then we left. I was frustrated by Aliza's scene, feeling it
immature, and unfair to the people in her life who try to do
things for her. I was a bit harsh, telling her that I simply
couldn't try things spur of the moment if she couldn't handle
the disappointment if it didn't work. I marched her along,
wondering when I was ever going to learn. A few minutes later,
after the loudest snuffling and moaning had stopped, Aliza
looked up, her face blotched and tear-stained. 'Mom,' she said,
'Išm glad I have parents who will try spontaneous things, even
if they think it probably wonšt work out. It makes me feel
optimistic.' Kids say the most amazing things. We had a long hug
and walked home, both happy."
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