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Breakthrough
"Dear Larry. We had a really great breakthrough with our son
Tyler, who is four. It was family movie night and for the first
time in his life, Ben (Tyler's two-year-old brother) voiced his
request which was to watch a Pooh movie. Tyler wanted to watch
Fern Gulley, so we had the boys pick a hand with a coin hidden
inside to see who would get their first choice of movie. When
Tyler saw that the hand he picked was empty, a major temper
tantrum ensued. Tantrums for him are rare, so this was a big
deal. He called his brother the taboo names (dummy and stupid
baby) and ran off. Your book was on the coffee table, so there I
was trying to find the tantrum section. My husband said he was
going to step in soon if I didn't act quickly (he's been great
with letting me take the lead since he hasn't had the chance to
read the book yet!). He was very concerned about Ben hearing the
repeated insults.
Anyway, I got the info I needed and went to Tyler He yelled at
me to leave and continued with the insults, and then said we
loved Ben more. I told him he couldn't say those things to Ben
and then focused on the grief he was feeling. He was very angry
at himself for picking the wrong hand, and hurt that his brother
didn't want to watch what he wanted. He cried a lot and finally
came to me to cuddle. He started crying again and lamented that
NOTHING would make him feel better. I said "Oh, I think I know
one thing, let all your tears out." So he continued to cry. Then
a few minutes later he told me he wanted to take an "only
playing bath" (this is one of his favorite relaxation
activities; no soap or shampoo is allowed in the vicinity of the
bathroom!).
This is where it gets good! He has a new toy seal, which is very
small. He was playing with this and his favorite toy, a little
polar bear, in the tub. Then he pulls out this large T-Rex, only
it is so powerful it breathes fire! He told me the T-Rex was "soooo
angry," so I asked the T-Rex why. Tyler made Rex say, "Because
Tyler loves his Sealy more than me!" So I told Rex to ask Tyler
about it. Tyler laughed and said "Of course I love you both the
same! I'm just spending more time with Sealy because he's new
and needs me to take care of him." A few minutes later
Tyler
brings out this Styraccasaurus and says it's angry because the
seal and the polar bear woke him up. I asked "Styraccy" why he
was so angry about this and he said because he was having the
best dream of his whole life. I asked what the dream was about.
The answer? "I was dreaming that I could have everything I
wanted in life, and now I woke up and I know it isn't true."
Then Tyler turned to me and asked why life had to be that way.
I
think the key to Playful Parenting is connecting to our children
on their level. It makes so much sense, and it works. I think
that we have this notion in our heads that we should be able to
control what's going on, and when we can't, we resort to power
tactics. We used to use time-out here (In the past, Tyler's
name-calling would have resulted in time-out and loss of
privileges -- but there would have been no real change except
for everyone being upset). We've done away with time-outs
completely now, because we see that we don't need them, and life
is sweeter for all of us."
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