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Getting Along by Lawrence J. Cohen - A
bi-weekly column in The Boston Globe
3/27/2003 - Parting advice: Opening up to loved ones is risk
worth taking
Two-and-a-half years ago, I started writing this Getting Along
column every other week, alternating with my friend and
colleague Helene Stein. It has been a wonderful opportunity for
me to speak my mind and share my thoughts. But all good things
must come to an end, and this is my last column. Thanks to all
of you for reading these articles, most especially those of you
who took the time to send in letters and e-mails. I have loved
hearing from you.
Indeed, I am always moved when people relate something from
their hearts, because most of us stop doing this once we grow
up. Sometimes that's because we have been teased for being
emotionally honest, or because we have been told too often that
we don't really feel the way we say we do, or maybe we were
warned that we shouldn't feel that way. All of that invalidation
makes it hard to keep talking openly, but still, somehow, some
people manage not to give up. Those people sometimes make us
uncomfortable, but they also are valuable for the truths they
tell. The real key to getting along, after all, is simply
listening to one another and speaking openly and honestly to one
another.
About 20 years ago, a friend dragged me to a workshop that was
supposed to teach us how to keep a journal of our dreams, goals,
thoughts, and experiences. The workshop was a dud, though. The
biggest problem was the leader, who kept telling each of us that
he didn't like the things we read aloud from our personal
journal entries.
I was irritated enough when he did this to other people, but
when he did it to me it really stung. At one point I read
something about feeling like a volcano inside - this was during
my stormy youth - and the workshop leader said quietly, ''I'm
not sure about that image of the volcano, it's so violent.''
Well, duh.
He probably said some interesting and useful things after that,
but it didn't matter, because I had stopped listening. How can
you listen to someone who has invalidated, in a few careless
words, your deepest feelings? I was particularly aggravated by
the ''gentle'' way he said it. If he had come right out and
said, ''You're one sick puppy and you better get yourself some
help,'' then I could have argued with him or agreed with him or
proved him right by exploding and throwing my desk across the
room. But how can you respond to someone blandly saying they
''aren't sure'' about something personal you have shared with
them?
This type of comment is invalidating at any time, but especially
when the goal is to write from the heart without censoring your
thoughts, as in a journal. I think the problem is that raw
emotion, especially painful emotion, is hard to listen to. We
either want the other person to stop suffering, or we want him
to stop reminding us of our own suffering. So we tell him to
tone it down, or we suggest that he doesn't really feel so
explosive or heartbroken or bereft. Sharing pain, however, is
what makes life bearable, and what makes close relationships
such a treasure. The late Elvin Semrad, a psychiatrist who
trained a generation of Boston-area therapists, used to say,
''No therapy is comfortable because it involves dealing with
pain. But there is one comfortable thought: that two people
sharing pain can bear it easier than one.'' Of course, the same
is true for any two people who listen to one another.
So my parting Getting Along advice is to go ahead and take that
risk and tell other people close to you what you really think
and how you really feel. If they try to shut you up, don't give
up, like I did in that journaling seminar. Just let them know
how important it is to you and tell them how you'd like them to
respond. On the other side, listen carefully for when someone
might be telling you about their volcano inside, or whatever
their deep feelings might be. Pay attention to them. Kindness
and compassion don't have to be the rare commodities that they
often seem to be.
All my best wishes to you in your endeavors to get along.
This story ran on page H6 of the Boston Globe on 3/27/2003.
© Copyright 2003 Lawrence J. Cohen
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