|
e-newsletters
è
back to list of e-newsletters
A Safe Haven for Teenagers
When psychologists talk about attachment and security, we
usually talk about infants and young children. Newborns need one
or two people to bond with; toddlers need a secure base that
they can come back home to in between explorations of the world.
But teenagers have just as much need for a safe haven as younger
children do. Teenagers, and preteens also, are often very
self-conscious. At school and out with their friends they worry
about fitting in, they worry about getting embarrassed or
humiliated, they have to have their guard up. If they are lucky,
their home can be a safe haven, a place they can be fully
themselves, where they don't have to worry about how they look,
how they are dressed, pimples, or "hat hair." They can sing
silly songs that they'd never sing at school, show affection for
their parents, or lounge around in their raggediest pajamas.
For younger children, the secure home base is their primary
attachment figure (that means you). For teenagers, you are a
part of that secure base, but so is their room and their home.
If we think about it this way, maybe it suggests we shouldn't
nag them so much about cleaning their room--their goal with a
messy room isn't just to annoy us, it may be a source of
security for them, because they can really be themselves in
their room and not put up a false front. Of course, other kids
create their safe haven by having a perfectly neat room. A
teenager's safe haven can be disrupted by any big change, such
as a separation or divorce, in the same way that a preschoolers
world is rocked by a new sibling. Parents who fight, get drunk,
or fly into rages can obviously make it harder for a teenager to
feel safe and unself-conscious in their own home. At those times
they may need special attention to re-establishing a safe haven,
or they may temporarily feel safer at a friend's house.
The safe haven can come from other trustworthy people, as well
as from home. I believe that teenagers all benefit from having
someone they can talk to who is not their parent, but who their
parents trust, like a favorite aunt, a therapist, a coach, a
guidance counselor, a family friend, a godparent, or a youth
group leader. The teenager must trust that the confidante is not
going to run to the parents with every detail and secret they
share, while the parents have to trust that this listener WILL
come to them if there is something they really need to know
about.
Was your home (and your family) a safe haven for you growing up?
|